The Feeling of Unreality

The first time I was really aware of a "serious" nervous symptom was probably when I was in college. I was walking across the quad at the University of Michigan and suddenly I felt as though I was underwater and everything was unreal and in slow motion. It startled me but I quickly remembered hearing my mother speak of this symptom as she also had it. Because I had some Recovery training already I was able to spot that it was distressing and not dangerous. I continued on with my day, but it was a harbinger of things to come much later.

I don't know if this was ever published in our Recovery Reporter but Mom did write about this symptom. Her telling me about it and hearing her talk about it helped me a great deal. She often used the expression in spotting, "it's only a harmless outpouring of a nervous imbalance." It's a spot which I have used and shared often. Maybe it will help you.

One of my most persistent symptoms, long after I had joined Recovery was a peculiar feeling that did not seem at all physical but was rather in the nature of a mental feeling. It was as though I could see and touch things and yet they didn't seem real. My husband and children looked strange as did the trees, the sky and other objects. I diagnosed this as a sure sign that I was losing my mind. It was most difficult for me to accept the fact that this too was the harmless outpouring of my nervous imbalance. The worst thing about it was that I knew from my Recovery training that I could not manipulate the symptom and would just have to put up with it until it decided to leave. Finally I began to get relief from it and quite a long period had gone by without this feeling making its appearance even once.

One day, after a Recovery meeting, while I was visiting with members during the mutual-aid period, I suddenly felt again this strange phenomenon. It was as though an invisible curtain had descended between me and reality. Immediately, I became panicky and thought, "This time I'm sure that I am losing complete control of my mind." My heart began to beat rapidly and I broke out in a cold sweat. But I started to spot and look through my fear. I spotted that I would have to regard this symptom just like any other one and stop listening to the threat of the symptomatic idiom. There was plenty of discomfort connected with this, but no danger. I was able to use my Will to bear the discomfort of it and to reject what the body language told me.

I scarcely paused in my conversation and decided that I would do absolutely nothing about the symptom. I would just let it rise and fall. If I didn't make an issue of it, it was more liable to leave quickly. But I decided that if it didn't leave I would refuse to work it up anyway. This decision steadied me and to my amazement the feeling disappeared shortly. By the time I left the building I felt relaxed and secure.

I made a mental note of the fact that nervous symptoms sometimes return and that I must be predisposed to expect them and not be frightened by them. This was not the last time I had to deal with the feeling of unreality, but each time it came I remained calm. Now the feeling has not been with me for several years. I write this with the hope that other members who are plagued with this harmless symptom will accept that fact that it IS harmless and that with persistent Recovery practice it finally yields and is gone.