Partnership

My husband, Bruce and I just celebrated our wedding anniversary and I happened to read something my mother wrote on partnership and would like to share it with you.  It was part of a dialogue (by letter) between Mom and another person.  


The person she wrote asked her, "... there was something you said in a different letter where you talk about Dr. Low's use of language and specifically focusing on partnership.  How Dr. Low might use a word that is in the dictionary, but uses it in a different way.  You said, “Of course acting as a partner has a good effect on the other person or persons but the real reason, I think, that we are to practice partnership is the effect it has on our self-integration and our sense of wholeness.”  You go on to say, “Although maybe when we take a total view of ourselves, it gives a sense of self-respect to ‘see’ that we have not failed in our effort to be part of “THE GROUP’.”  The letter writer asked her to write more about this.  What follows is an excerpt of Mom’s response:

It is as though our temper and habits in connection with our dearest ones, block the insight – no way for it to get through the barriers we have set up.

In one article Dr. Low talks about our father, mother, sister, children, etc., are “inside” us – almost inner environment.  You know what deception we practice with our own inner environment on “Self”.  No wonder the others are blocked out by complexity of emotions … I think the self-integration and wholeness come from the fact that it takes persistent effort towards partnership, whereas partisanship is like falling off a log – very easy.

When we make a business of practicing being a partner and forget about the “perks”, that is, that people like us better and that we are succeeding in that realm – leave that part of it to itself—because the results [for our mental health] are great.  But the Will to Effort and Control, and the value we place on our own efforts towards “evolution” as a human being finally begins to strengthen our SELF objectively and we “see” that we are succeeding in this endeavor to be a partner, which brings real self-respect.  Self-respect cures a nervous patient, but it can’t be faked. It has to be real and probably figuring on how becoming a partner instead of a partisan is a real accomplishment no doubt about it!


After writing this, I found the letter from which the original discussion started.  This is a little more on the meaning of the word "partnership" and related to the topic.  


Language again... Dr. Low said that the titles of his articles are couched in terms that are usually not used in our everyday language but the words are found in the dictionary.  People who marry are partners, people who join the same club are partners, people who talk to one another to exchange views are partners for that moment.  He went on to say that even when we ally ourselves with others into partnerships there are always differences of opinion and therefore trouble... But this was a good chance to look at a word like "partnership" and hear Dr. Low's explanation of why it has a different meaning in Recovery. The rules of group behavior apply.  I can remember being on the street, stopping to visit with someone I didn't especially want to see or talk with but remembering that we had formed a partnership for those few minutes and I was obligated to act as a partner, to listen, to reply, to not act as though I had to hurry away, to look at him or her and not keep glancing away... I'm thinking, I'm thinking".


Love,


Treasure

The Feeling of Unreality

The first time I was really aware of a "serious" nervous symptom was probably when I was in college. I was walking across the quad at the University of Michigan and suddenly I felt as though I was underwater and everything was unreal and in slow motion. It startled me but I quickly remembered hearing my mother speak of this symptom as she also had it. Because I had some Recovery training already I was able to spot that it was distressing and not dangerous. I continued on with my day, but it was a harbinger of things to come much later.

I don't know if this was ever published in our Recovery Reporter but Mom did write about this symptom. Her telling me about it and hearing her talk about it helped me a great deal. She often used the expression in spotting, "it's only a harmless outpouring of a nervous imbalance." It's a spot which I have used and shared often. Maybe it will help you.

One of my most persistent symptoms, long after I had joined Recovery was a peculiar feeling that did not seem at all physical but was rather in the nature of a mental feeling. It was as though I could see and touch things and yet they didn't seem real. My husband and children looked strange as did the trees, the sky and other objects. I diagnosed this as a sure sign that I was losing my mind. It was most difficult for me to accept the fact that this too was the harmless outpouring of my nervous imbalance. The worst thing about it was that I knew from my Recovery training that I could not manipulate the symptom and would just have to put up with it until it decided to leave. Finally I began to get relief from it and quite a long period had gone by without this feeling making its appearance even once.

One day, after a Recovery meeting, while I was visiting with members during the mutual-aid period, I suddenly felt again this strange phenomenon. It was as though an invisible curtain had descended between me and reality. Immediately, I became panicky and thought, "This time I'm sure that I am losing complete control of my mind." My heart began to beat rapidly and I broke out in a cold sweat. But I started to spot and look through my fear. I spotted that I would have to regard this symptom just like any other one and stop listening to the threat of the symptomatic idiom. There was plenty of discomfort connected with this, but no danger. I was able to use my Will to bear the discomfort of it and to reject what the body language told me.

I scarcely paused in my conversation and decided that I would do absolutely nothing about the symptom. I would just let it rise and fall. If I didn't make an issue of it, it was more liable to leave quickly. But I decided that if it didn't leave I would refuse to work it up anyway. This decision steadied me and to my amazement the feeling disappeared shortly. By the time I left the building I felt relaxed and secure.

I made a mental note of the fact that nervous symptoms sometimes return and that I must be predisposed to expect them and not be frightened by them. This was not the last time I had to deal with the feeling of unreality, but each time it came I remained calm. Now the feeling has not been with me for several years. I write this with the hope that other members who are plagued with this harmless symptom will accept that fact that it IS harmless and that with persistent Recovery practice it finally yields and is gone.

Balance

The following is taken from a notebook in which Mom wrote about a number of subjects. Some were just thoughts jotted down and some were more organized. You will see that she would add - more on this later. I have not found anything specific to this in the notebook, which has created a bit of a challenge to see if she wrote more somewhere else. If she did, you'll be the first to know! I titled this Balance as she had not written anything at the top of the page. As usual, her writing is in italics.

Dr. Low talked a lot about balance. When balance is achieved on an enduring scale, there is more freedom. This holds true with a very basic matter in psychiatric patients - exceptionality versus averageness. Much of the suffering in psychiatric illness comes from imbalance in this contrast pair.

There are levels of exceptionality and also levels of averageness. There is undesirable exceptionality when we go "bottom fishing" in our personal assessment of who we are. We take the partial view that reveals our short comings and faults, recalling our blunders and this can be instantaneous - a kind of total acceptance of the lowest portion of our self. This is false.

Then there is exceptionality that sees only that partial view that reveals a self that is above everyone and everything. It admits to such a perfection, it is one-sided and is, of course, false.

Both of the above views are opposite ends of the same stick and a linear look at that stick reveals that we range between the two states of being. This linear view, or all encompassing total view of ourselves produces the real, or the balanced total view.

By nature and by predisposition the two partial views take precedence. In other words, we tend to favor one over the other during some event in our life. The undesirable exceptionality creates suffering and self punishment. The partial view, that we are above everyone and everything may create a feeling of euphoria and joy, but this feeling can only be present while the illusion of this unreal partial viewpoint is there. There is also toxicity in the tenseness which such "high flying" produces. And since life is not static and frozen something will happen which begins a change. In patients, Dr. Low described it as a picnic turning into a panic.

The opposite of the teeter-totter of high and low is averageness which in Dr. Lows method is part of the philosophy he built into his system. By the way, another part of his philosophy, as I see it, is the self-healing, self organizing ability of "being". More about that later.

Averageness has levels too; at least three levels; poor average, plain average and good average. In truth all human beings are average, so it is an illusion to say we have to strive to be average when in fact we already are, nevertheless, we, especially patients, have to keep reminding ourselves or we will fall prey to a sense of exceptionality. The word "sense" is a conception, a belief, a feeling, a thought in the inner environment.

Exceptionality or more accurately a sense of exceptionality will spoil the balance just as with a weight scale - if you load more on one side it will not balance. More on this later.

The Intoxication of Joy

The following is an interesting letter written by my mother to a person in Recovery some time ago. I remember Mom and I having discussions about this subject and how much it has helped me over time. Maybe this will resonate for you too. Sometimes Mom would say "Dr. Low said," and it might have been something he said directly to her or she heard in a lecture that was not recorded, so don't be confused if you haven't read it somewhere. If you are not familiar with this blog, please go to my first entry on January 17, 2009.

This is what she wrote:

Dear XXXX,

I'll start out with a few words about the stimulation factor, since you asked for any ideas I have on it. It's very seductive. Success is so sweet. You are also using your creative talents and Dr. Low said that to have a blueprint in your mind and then see it happen in the outer world, is very satisfying to humans.

Right now you are caught up in event after event - good results- it validates your creative ideas as being good ones. When this was happening in Michigan, I was ecstatic. I was needed, I was competent to do what had to be done. It meant working with all kinds of co-workers which again called on my abilities to handle the frustrations and irritations this brought forth in Recoveryites.

Well, I was "on a roll." Then I sat down one evening to watch the news. My mind was still reeling with past and future events. I wasn't listening to the news but sitting with the other family members, looking at the T.V. and trying to look absorbed in the news.

I felt terrific and yet, I noticed that my shoulders felt tense. I tried to loosen them up but the tenseness remained. My tongue even felt tense and I began to realize that this is what Dr. Low called the intoxication of joy and that was toxic, not healthy as to balance.

I made a firm decision that to preserve my good mental health I had to do something before the tenseness would ease and leave my organism free to function in balance. It didn't all take place with this one example. I'm just using this situation as a focal point, but it did happen just like that.

I had to LEARN to slow down my muscles first. To do this I made a conscious effort to eat more slowly and be more deliberate as I raised the fork to my mouth. I willed myself to talk more slowly. The thoughts still kept racing, I suppose because my brain had become "tense."

By the way, this wasn't at all an uncomfortable feeling. There was plenty of motivation to continue it, but by then, I knew my mental health was my supreme goal and that self discipline was the answer.

I looked at my schedule (a mish mash of plans... do this while you are in that neighborhood when you visit your mother in the hospital, then on your way back swing over to meet that priest you made an appointment with, then on and on...) an exceptional person like me? Of course, I had to get them all done. Remind you of the gnarled clothes line in MHTWT?

So, in spite of my feelings that I should take care of all these duties and that Recovery would suffer if I didn't, I began to eliminate from my schedule some of the extras. I remember it very well, because I had had depression and I'd also had the "highs".

In the meantime, while I was making a personal project of my own inner environment, I still kept doing a good average job of doing what had to be done. My thoughts eventually became more orderly and the tenseness left my head, tongue, neck, shoulders, stomach, etc., etc.

We'll discuss more, okay? Let's face it though, you and I are both cut out to do this work, but we need our mental health to do it!

Love,

T