Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Not Being a China Doll: Response Versus Reaction

1/17/10

Not being a China Doll: Response Versus Reaction

I was recently reading a letter someone had sent to me. It’s a copy of one of Mom’s letters. As I read it I thought of how often she spoke to me about this idea of being too thin skinned. I think the first time she mentioned it I was probably in High School. She said “You don’t want to become a China Doll that everyone has to tip toe around for fear of breaking you.” Her letter to this person said as much, so this is a good way to share it with you and I consider it from Treasure Rice to any of us. Here is her letter:

Dear One,

You are definitely getting to a place where you are not as sensitive to comments and behavior of others. I remember very well the years I worked on “using” the “slings and arrows” as a means of strengthening my ability to not react. In other words I would spot my fearful and angry response as just that – a response to an event. Then I would immediately (or very rapidly) see that I didn’t let it become a reaction. This meant catching that first feeling, sensation, thought and/or impulse and turning it into a plus for me.

One day I was in the tub taking a bath. My husband hollered at me about something I had not done. His tone was angry and his words “put me down.” I had an immediate response – a surge of anger and the thought response “How dare he speak to me like that?” So I immediately decided not to let it become a reaction for me. I looked at it as a wonderful opportunity for me to develop my ability to take my place in life as one who is not super sensitive to such events. I had the thought, “This is a plus for me. He’s average to have temper and I’m not really threatened." I forget what I said to him, but I really remember how I was able to keep it to the realm of a response. During that time of my training I paid particular attention to:

fearful and angry response

VS

fearful and angry reactions

dividing them into two separate compartments.

The responses you cannot control – either you respond or you don’t (that is have a response or not) but if you are able to pay close attention to the difference and look upon each one as a real chance to develop and strengthen your ability to “take it” without becoming a person who goes on reacting to these responses like an automatic machine then you are self-led.

Ordinary opinion is that we shouldn’t let people “get away with it” or “if I give an inch, he’ll take a mile” but it’s really just the opposite.

This doesn’t mean I don’t assert myself at times – I do. I learned to do that too in Recovery – but I’m not the helpless victim of the responses nature furnishes me with when it counts. I can speak up – but these times are few and far between.

I can see you getting to the place where you are much less apt to react. That reaction doesn’t even have to be voiced but can be the working up process inside. A sense of humor and the inner smile is such a saving grace and you sure have that.

Love,

Treasure

4 comments:

  1. What a great example this is of providing leadership in Recovery by demonstrating the method. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    Joe

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  2. Thank you again....I feel so much realistic Pride when I really use my Recovery..And that beats anything else

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  3. Thank you for sharing with us. You can never have too much insight and a sense of pride Recovery offers by working it!

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